In a grand romantic gesture, Alberta drove over the Kootenays with a boombox and blasted “In Your Eyes” outside of BC’s window. Finally, Alberta was ready to tell BC that he loved her after decades of near constant insults and threats.
As the Peter Gabriel classic blared into the night, it donned on Alberta that his years of constant negging may have inadvertently created the perception that he actually hated his longtime crush.
Alberta commiserated with Saskatchewan from a nearby phonebooth —
“Bro, I’m just not good at showing my emotions. My pops taught me that the best way to show a girl you care is to always treat her like crap, and threaten to ram a pipeline through her ... but maybe he was wrong.”
The next morning after trying to wait Alberta out, BC made a dash for her car. Seizing the moment, Alberta stood in front of her beat up hatchback, and launched into a heartfelt confession.
“British Columbia, please! I love you. I love everything about you...
I love how your BC Liberals are actually Conservative, and how you let foreign corporations destroy your coastlines with fish farms. You inspire me when you clear-cut your Old Growth for profit and destroy river systems with dams that aren’t economically viable. Ha ha, I even love it how you grow so many god damned Cranberries, even though NOBODY likes cranberries. ”
As British Columbia fumbled with her car keys, Alberta pressed his head against the driver’s side window, his hurried breath fogging up the glass.
“BC, let’s dump this one-stoplight country, and be free, together!
Trudeau? Gay Marriage? A Women’s Right to Choose? THE FRENCH?
Let’s leave it all behind! I promise that I will treat you right despite my long history of doing exactly the opposite. ”
The engine finally turned over as BC gave Alberta one last look. Even after years of constant abuse, she knew that they was some hope for the spunky province if only he could stand up to the corporations manipulating him. But Alberta needed a good province to show him the way, and that wasn’t her.
Alberta plead, hands clasped together.
“BC, I’m sorry! I know it seemed like I didn’t respect you with that whole
”Turn off the taps” thing, but look at it from my side —
I really wanted something and you wouldn’t give it to me.”
BC sighed, and tore off down the gravel driveway. She never looked back.
That fall British Columbia started at UBC, and eventually graduated with honors. Today, she’s an NGO ambassador doing important work in South Sudan. BC has three beautiful children, and has been married to Prince Edward Island for six years. Her royal title is Princess Columbia, Duchess of the Coasts.
Alberta went home and rethought his life. The province turned itself around, investing heavily in green initiatives and the local gaming industry, which boomed in the coming years. Last week he entered a fast food restaurant. A man cut in line and started a fight. Always the peacemaker, Alberta tried to calm the situation but took an arrow to the knee. He died almost instantly.
